Let's talk about the shitty school year that I'm having. Not only do I work as a teacher during the day, I also have a night, as well as being in school to get my graduate degree as well. But that's not what I need a break from, all those things are currently keeping me sane. So let's recap:
September - My HS friend is killed by a taxi going 70 MPH
October - A coworker dies of a heart attack the day before he's supposed to go into surgery
November - My cousin is diagnosed with Stage IV stomach, ovarian, and liver cancer. With tumors all in her body.
I'm mentally and physically falling apart. There is only so much that I can do, and I can only keep myself busy for so long. My appetite has already taken a turn, where I am never hungry and only eat to keep up pretenses, and I haven't been sleeping well. The past few nights have been dreams of my car brakes not working, and my teeth falling out. Both of which are apparently signs of anxiety and lack of control/usefulness.
I don't think I really grieved back in September. I know I cried but I never fully accepted the fact that my 27 year old friend is now deceased. And yet I subconsciously know that it's true. Adding on my coworker in October, and now my cousin, everything is finally starting to crash down on me. And I'm losing my grip on reality.
I'm moving in with T on Sunday. And while I'm excited, I'm also very passive about it. I just don't want to feel right now. Is that the first step into depression? Is Sadness currently at the control panel of my brain?
Back in HS I was anorexic, and I learned how to make myself seem like I was okay in front of others, and then I would crawl into my bed at night and disappear. I think I'm back there.
I've been keeping myself distracted, and that's not helping. Distraction just means that I am not facing the problem at hand, and it will slowly consume me. Which inevitably means that I will slowly start pushing away the people that I care about and care about me. It's a dark and slippery path, and I know that. But how do I come to terms with things I don't want to? That my brain understands, but my heart doesn't want to acknowledge.
I recently finished a scarf and hat set for my coworker and her husband, I'll post them up soon.
Hopefully the move helps.
Hopefully the knitting helps.
