Let's talk about the shitty school year that I'm having. Not only do I work as a teacher during the day, I also have a night, as well as being in school to get my graduate degree as well. But that's not what I need a break from, all those things are currently keeping me sane. So let's recap:
September - My HS friend is killed by a taxi going 70 MPH
October - A coworker dies of a heart attack the day before he's supposed to go into surgery
November - My cousin is diagnosed with Stage IV stomach, ovarian, and liver cancer. With tumors all in her body.
I'm mentally and physically falling apart. There is only so much that I can do, and I can only keep myself busy for so long. My appetite has already taken a turn, where I am never hungry and only eat to keep up pretenses, and I haven't been sleeping well. The past few nights have been dreams of my car brakes not working, and my teeth falling out. Both of which are apparently signs of anxiety and lack of control/usefulness.
I don't think I really grieved back in September. I know I cried but I never fully accepted the fact that my 27 year old friend is now deceased. And yet I subconsciously know that it's true. Adding on my coworker in October, and now my cousin, everything is finally starting to crash down on me. And I'm losing my grip on reality.
I'm moving in with T on Sunday. And while I'm excited, I'm also very passive about it. I just don't want to feel right now. Is that the first step into depression? Is Sadness currently at the control panel of my brain?
Back in HS I was anorexic, and I learned how to make myself seem like I was okay in front of others, and then I would crawl into my bed at night and disappear. I think I'm back there.
I've been keeping myself distracted, and that's not helping. Distraction just means that I am not facing the problem at hand, and it will slowly consume me. Which inevitably means that I will slowly start pushing away the people that I care about and care about me. It's a dark and slippery path, and I know that. But how do I come to terms with things I don't want to? That my brain understands, but my heart doesn't want to acknowledge.
I recently finished a scarf and hat set for my coworker and her husband, I'll post them up soon.
Hopefully the move helps.
Hopefully the knitting helps.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Moving In
T and I finally, finally, finally, found our apartment. It's a little more than we had intended to spend, but I think for the amount of space we get, we weren't going to find a better deal. Parking is going to be a little hard, but I think it'll be alright and we'll just get used to walking a few blocks every night. Luckily I'm only working night school 2 days a week, and won't have to worry about parking 3 days a week. T on the other hand is going to have to look for parking 4 days a week. I'm going to put our name on the waiting list for the garage, and if they get up to us by before our lease is up, I might just bite the bullet and say that we need it!
We'd be looking all summer for a place, and while the prices were good, the amount of space we were getting was not. people were calling these one bedrooms, but the room was the size of a shoebox, and the only person that could fit in the living room/ kitchen was one person. NO THANK YOU. Our place has a huge kitchen, with a separate eat in kitchen area, or an office space, a very spacious living room, normal sized bathroom, and the bedroom is can easily fit a king. We also have 3 huge closets, and 2 linen sized closets. I cannot wait to decorate. It might just take a while since the upfront cost was so high.
I'm excited to move in together. After 2 years, it felt like the next step in our relationship. I haven't even started to think about packing, or what I'm bringing with me really. And then there's the added expense of what else do we need to buy? We need a couch, and possibly a dining room set, plates, pots and pans, utensils. There's just so much I hadn't even though about. And then there is the dreaded "what if we hate each other" thought that pops into my head every now and again. We just signed a 2 year lease, I don't want to break that. But if we're miserable together, then what? I know that's a terrible thing to think because it's like putting a bad omen on the place, but on the other hand I also think it's cold feet. This is a big decision for us. We've both never lived with a significant other, and there are so many things that could go wrong. There are also a lot of things that can and will go right. I need to start focusing on things that can go right!
On the downside, I'm currently sick. I've had a terrible headache for the past few days, and they're all do to sinuses. I'm telling you, if I could sleep in the bathroom with the warm water running on my face the whole night, I would. The minute I stepped out of the shower yesterday everything closed right back up. It was the worst feeling I've encountered in a while. I keep blowing my nose and washing my hands, but I'm definitely going to get a student sick.
We'd be looking all summer for a place, and while the prices were good, the amount of space we were getting was not. people were calling these one bedrooms, but the room was the size of a shoebox, and the only person that could fit in the living room/ kitchen was one person. NO THANK YOU. Our place has a huge kitchen, with a separate eat in kitchen area, or an office space, a very spacious living room, normal sized bathroom, and the bedroom is can easily fit a king. We also have 3 huge closets, and 2 linen sized closets. I cannot wait to decorate. It might just take a while since the upfront cost was so high.
I'm excited to move in together. After 2 years, it felt like the next step in our relationship. I haven't even started to think about packing, or what I'm bringing with me really. And then there's the added expense of what else do we need to buy? We need a couch, and possibly a dining room set, plates, pots and pans, utensils. There's just so much I hadn't even though about. And then there is the dreaded "what if we hate each other" thought that pops into my head every now and again. We just signed a 2 year lease, I don't want to break that. But if we're miserable together, then what? I know that's a terrible thing to think because it's like putting a bad omen on the place, but on the other hand I also think it's cold feet. This is a big decision for us. We've both never lived with a significant other, and there are so many things that could go wrong. There are also a lot of things that can and will go right. I need to start focusing on things that can go right!
On the downside, I'm currently sick. I've had a terrible headache for the past few days, and they're all do to sinuses. I'm telling you, if I could sleep in the bathroom with the warm water running on my face the whole night, I would. The minute I stepped out of the shower yesterday everything closed right back up. It was the worst feeling I've encountered in a while. I keep blowing my nose and washing my hands, but I'm definitely going to get a student sick.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Only the Good Die Young
A good friend of mine recently passed away. Passed away isn't the right phrase, but it sounds better than "killed by a taxi". I was sitting in front of my computer, finishing up a blanket for a friend, and thought "I really like that pattern that I made for Phil's vest. I wonder if he still has it." I went to FaceBook to write on his wall and saw people writing RIP on his wall. Everyone that knew he was shocked to hear that it happened, and it really shook me up. I thought everyone was joking writing RIP on his wall, his friends had done it before, and I was waiting patiently for him to write "You guys suck!" or "Fuck you guys". But it never came, and before I knew it there was link for his wake and funeral.
The adage "Life's too short" always comes first to mind, but nothing that Phil did ever showed that he lived it that way. He was charismatic about everyone that met him liked him immediately. He could be a bit crass and more than often vulgar, but there was never any malice in his voice, it was all just good fun to him. I told my best friend that I need to adapt a more "Phil" attitude with life. To not take people for granted, to apologize when I'm wrong, that sometimes pride is worth putting aside, to not take life so seriously, because in the blink of an eye it could be gone. I cried a lot the past week, I couldn't say his name without breaking down into tears, and every time I thought of a memory that he and I had made me have to stop whatever I was doing. It was crippling.
I've slowly been coming to terms with the fact that I can no longer text him, or call him, and that posts on his wall will now go unanswered, and I'm slowly forgiving myself for not calling and texting him more often. But I know that he wouldn't want me to mourn and be sad. He would want me to remember him as he had always been, happy and worry free. I can hear him sitting next to Yogi Berra saying "Look at all these broads crying for me".
Rest In Peace, Philip Pucciarelli
6/4/88 - 9/20/15
The adage "Life's too short" always comes first to mind, but nothing that Phil did ever showed that he lived it that way. He was charismatic about everyone that met him liked him immediately. He could be a bit crass and more than often vulgar, but there was never any malice in his voice, it was all just good fun to him. I told my best friend that I need to adapt a more "Phil" attitude with life. To not take people for granted, to apologize when I'm wrong, that sometimes pride is worth putting aside, to not take life so seriously, because in the blink of an eye it could be gone. I cried a lot the past week, I couldn't say his name without breaking down into tears, and every time I thought of a memory that he and I had made me have to stop whatever I was doing. It was crippling.
I've slowly been coming to terms with the fact that I can no longer text him, or call him, and that posts on his wall will now go unanswered, and I'm slowly forgiving myself for not calling and texting him more often. But I know that he wouldn't want me to mourn and be sad. He would want me to remember him as he had always been, happy and worry free. I can hear him sitting next to Yogi Berra saying "Look at all these broads crying for me".
Rest In Peace, Philip Pucciarelli
6/4/88 - 9/20/15
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